Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
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Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
My therapist after every session
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl