I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
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Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Thanks to a fan for this one.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically