Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
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[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them