Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
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I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?