Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
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I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.