“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
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The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.