Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
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The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
i wish we could shoplift online
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.