[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
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My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.