Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
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i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Saturday
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Love it! 👍😂
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Good morning, Twitter 😊