Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
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If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Check your privilege
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣