The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
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People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?