Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
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Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.