Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
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If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Most fashion shows these days…
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.