I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
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Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
pls suprot
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe