“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
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If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.