“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
You Might Also Like
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
And now we wait
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.