I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
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had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
My guardian angel deserves a raise
paddle faster i hear baby shark
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision