Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
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[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.