Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
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Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Denise please return my vape pen