GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
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Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I think this cat is broken
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand