Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
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Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes