[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
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The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
he chose this
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.