Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
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°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
The Weeknd is back
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.