me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
You Might Also Like
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.