How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
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My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
BRAKING NEWS!!
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street