*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
You Might Also Like
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone