Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
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Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.