Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
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My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
got so much cardio in today
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one