ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
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Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
My dress code is business-casualty.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what