*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
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“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted