adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
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After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs