Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
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I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory