(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
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“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Skills
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
hmmm
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.