Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
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Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”