If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
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When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
When I laugh on my period
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible