me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
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Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
What flavor cupcake are these
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.