I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
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Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Ok but actually
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend