Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
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Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
*struts into the new year
~ trips
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…