The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
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Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.