Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
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I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort