Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
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The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.