I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
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[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Blew my mind.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
HERE’S MARKY
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”