Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
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Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.