You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
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I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!