NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
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Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.