I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
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Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.