“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
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My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.