Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
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*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*