Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
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My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Lmao
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.