[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
You Might Also Like
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
It do be feeling this way.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Bloody internet 😳